War with Watermelon ..                                       While the World is confused whether watermelon is fruit or vegetable, I was confused how to choose a good watermelon.  Buying the right one is nowadays more difficult than finding a man who doesn’t advise in Whatsapp.  I had never bought a good, reddish and tasty watermelon. I was always goaded, admonished and reprimanded by my family for selecting them as yellowish as a Pumpkin. (Can’t you even pick one small watermelon?) In order to avoid this onslaught, I had to find a way.  I decided to catch the bull by its horns. [1] I daily bought one watermelon to hone my skills. After all it was a war between watermelon and me.  So “Operation Watermelon” began.  I hit the books as the LAST resort as I always do during my academic days !  I found some interesting ways of choosing a watermelons  like… Knocking the watermelon for the RIPE sound… I knocked to check them with crooked finger. They all sounded same like tapping my pot belly. But I kept knocking till the shopkeeper told “No one will come out, don’t waste your time”.  Still with the sound I heard, I selected one. Score read 1-0 in favour of watermelon. Looking for small joints…  The joint where the watermelon was severed has to be small. I followed it to the book.  I ensured that even the shopkeeper was small.  Still the bloody watermelon was white like custom uniform i.e bit yellowish.  Score 2-0 in favour of “you know who”. (Don’t waste money and time, I will get it from the shop) Watermelon must be darkish green and yellowish at the place where it laid on the ground… I carefully followed the rules.  Later I was told that it was a hybrid. (Don’t you even know the difference between the country watermelon and hybrid!!)   Score 3-3. Ok I got it.  3-0. Watermelon must have large stripes like zebra…  I tried stripes, checked and printed. But the watermelon remained plain.  As my maid was getting one watermelon daily, she was using it for facial, playing and eating. She encouraged me to try other fruits as well! Many of the watermelons I handpicked were having wide cracks inside.  On seeing that my family was afraid that I was about to poison them.  The condition of the watermelon was called “hollow heart” but I was broken heart.  (How one crack gets another crack, we don’t know)  [2].           In order to win this, I befriended a shopkeeper and offered 10 rupees extra so that he would select the best one for me. Thereafter it was success all the way and I am being applauded as the best selector of watermelon. 

                                Some of my daily bickering on my facebook page is given for enlightening the common public, eradication of poverty and education of youth… Doubt Corner How come Private companies helpline/complaint nos. come in fancy number for reminding you easily like 8888888888 or 68886888 while Govt helplines come in 7_89#26*9^ ?Night VisionSome one told me to count the goats if I don’t get sleep. There are 19 goat breeds and 67000 goats in Tamil Nadu. I have counted all of them.   Yet to sleep.Daily I sleep with my son at night. I feel like swallowed & spat by anaconda in the mornings. Full body pain and wet!Wetness isn’t saliva of course !!  Any guess?! Women’s era…Every husband must be like Modi ji. Ready to fall at women’s feet if one can get some mileage.  I am clocking 100 km pl. Philosophy corner…In Whatsapp When I write something on my right side people view them on their left side. When they type something on them right side, I view them on my left side.Similarly when God does something good for us, we may perceive it wrong. It will take time to realise God’s true intention. Don’t trust your knowledge. Trust God. Issued in public Interest…Today I saw a beautiful girl wearing 4,5 mangal sutras in her neck. I was bit shocked and wondered if it was the latest trend and looked again i.e the mangal sutras. I was relieved to see that the girl was wearing her company ID in a yellow rope that was shredded. So please bloody companywallas don’t give yellow rope to the girls to hang (!).  Give them some other colour ropes. Today’s thought….Drinking a bottle of chilled water after a strenuous workout feels like heaven. Its like confessing to wife when she is in good mood. When both backfires, the elegy begins. House Order No. 11As the holiday granted on account of International Women’s day is over, all husbands are instructed to join the house for regular duties and to remain submissive and obedient as ever.Next leave from wives may be granted to the lucky few during Summer holidays and to the rest in Tamil “Aadi” month. Home Intolerance…Unlike our villages, It seems impossible to get a maid in these metros. My wife placed many conditions similar to Army recruitment. Maid has to be punctual, Orderly, must do the job cleanly, should not gossip, not to demand more likewise.My condition was only one and simple one.  “she has to be pretty”.  It was never met. Doubt Corner….I think all Sriharikota rockets and satellites are linked with fiber optic cables through our street or another Harappa site is found here. They keep digging and digging. When we reach the other end, Tamil Nadu will fight for water with America as well. Curse Continues…UPSIDC branch of State Bank of India (SBI) in Kanpur has credited over Rs 95,000 cr into a poor woman’s bank account making her panicky- News.I am also going and coming to SBI branch with Rs.2000 as balance. I don’t know why these bad things never happen to me and make me PANICKY!! # WWF ChampsWomen are loving, caring, self sacrificing, gentle and awesome given the role of sister, daughter, wife and mother. Give them the role of MOTHER IN LAW, well they are in a different league altogether. Office agonies…In any department, smokers mingle like rum and water and become long last brothers immediately. We are the only aliens who could neither mingle nor separate. After all Smoking causes friendship. Confusion Corner…Last year I paid Rs.10200/- and brought academic books for my children. Today I sold them to old paper man for Rs.200. Remaining 10’000 I wanted to credit in my children’s knowledge account. But my son insists to show them in wastage account. He must be right. Queue thoughts…Whatsapp and Facebook reduce the length of queue, wherever we stand. Doubt corner… *   When Indians complete air travel, Why do they never remove the baggage destination tag till reaching their remote hometown? Do they ever remove it or always carry them around till it wears off?*   Why do we celebrate the Indians who achieved some thing big in a foreign country, when they had already left Madame India, obtained foreign citizenship and settled elsewhere? Our press finds out that their father’s 2nd grandmother was Indian.*   If plucking a white hair from the head produces more white hairs, Will plucking a black hair prop up more black hair?*   The Impending fall of low hip pants is more dangerous to the wearing men or watching women?

I hate gambling. I don’t know whether I was born as Yudhisthira in my former birth and lost my wife Panchali in gambling. Now gambling is also there, wife is also there! But time has changed!! In Kolkata Office, we used to play rummy with others in our office club betting money. Though I resented playing, my friends always carried me to the rummy table as if for my funeral. I was eventually buried. It’s not that I was a novice in rummy. It’s just that lady luck never came near me fearing my wife. When I got good cards, they wouldn’t play. When they got good cards, I played and got thrashed. Because my proficient rummy partners read my face like a cartoon book but kept their faces like zombies. I played by wearing a mask. But my body language on getting good cards acted like a dog’s tail in front of its master who had chicken in his hands. I played by concealing my whole body under burkha like a Muslim lady. But my mind voice was so loud, I made the deaf to hear. So I was always beaten into pulp. Luckily they didn’t play betting on my belongings. Otherwise I would have been reduced to my single piece swimsuit often. When my accolades spread and rummiers from nearby offices started to pour in, It was time to take transfer to Chennai to escape them. But here my friends breathe and thrive on hearts and spades. Rummy should be our national game as majority of Indians play card games like 28, 3 Cards or rummy. Microsoft added MS Excel for Americans, MS Word for Chinese and FreeCell & Solitaire for Indians. Rummy has health benefits! When I don’t get rummy while playing, I start sweating, my heart pounds and blood rushes similar to jogging. As I try to peep into others’ cards, my eyesight improves by notches. As I am alert to others’ swearings, my hearing capacity improves. It teaches you how to be expert in body language and control my facial expressions. The latter one is very useful when your boss tear you apart in front of your juniors. Here I see experts who have developed ESP power by playing rummy. They foresee my cards and my future as well. Rummy improves team spirit when coupled with real spirit as they are independently dependent on each other! Rummy motivates you to convert small failures into stepping stones to victory. If you don’t read it well, it may well be your grave stone. I have ordered mine in granite. Rummy is the father of all superstitions. Here people prefer same place, same costumes and same liquor brand to continue the winning streak. I tried special poojas, palmistry and parrot astrology. Still all the good stars lose their reputation when supporting me. Time to take transfer again.

Yesterday was my birthday.  The celestial event came back again without much difference.  I woke up in the morning as usual.  No one shouted as “It’s a boy, IT’s A BOY”.  No fanfare or cut outs.   There wasn’t a single nurse to give me bath.  So I took my own bath !  Prayed to God.  Because When I was born in 1973, Bruce Lee died.  When I turned one SN Bose died and it went on.           I have never cut a cake on my birthday.  Why should I blow and spit on the cake and give it to everyone. I wanted to cut a cake only after accomplishing something and I am a young boy who has a lifetime ahead to achieve.          But this year I was compelled to spit on the cake alongwith my colleague and wonderful friend Mr.Pradeep who sadly shares his birthday with mine. He is a large man with larger heart.  He is such a divine who appreciate all my blogs. Even if I write a blog like 1, 2, 3, 3, 4, 5, 5,   He will laugh boisterously and say “Why Ashok, did you fail in 3rd and 5th Standards  !!”. So when he stood near me the happiness was doubled rather tripled due to his size !!!   So we were like “two peas in a pod” no don’t think “two pees in a pond”.  He is like a saint who loves everyone.  Only condition is that they are to be women.  He is getting kinder and kinder.  At this rate, I may propose to him sooner or later.  Together we can prove that “Two wrongs can make it right!”.            My friend is as young as ‘Everest”.  So when they decided to order a birthday cake for both of us, they ordered the cake from “Cakewaves” and candles straight from the factory.  When all the candles were lighted, the airport was like the place for candles peace march and Chennai clocked its highest temperature. We put off the candles with a blower.             I had always wanted to age like wine, tastier and better.  At least would have loved to remain as honey, unchanged. But it seems I am ageing like garbage.  My body is ballooning and eye sights are retracting. My memory was always at the rock bottom. Now it is digging deeper and my…  mm.. never mind.             I sincerely thank my colleagues for their speech,  arranging the party and burning a hole in their pant pockets !             I thank all the well wishers who are happy to see us getting old.  Hearty thanks to one and all.

Being Humane or  He-man is easier than being a man especially ‘young’ man.  Being humane is easy as all you have to do is to wear the slogan T-shirt and shoot the deer and Being He-man is also easier as you are not to take haircut but wear a metal brief. But being young man is impossible like keeping the women quiet for an hour. Men faces many important battles like fighting men for women and fighting women for women. Among those problems, hair greying is the second hardest battle. First one of course is “balding” which will shed in other article.  While balding is nothing but growth of hair downward i.e excess beard and moustache, greying on the other hand is maturity of hair ahead of the person! When your hair starts to fade and when the female genre start calling you ‘uncle’, that word will shake your world and cause heart attack.  This is the main reason for heart attacks among men.   It is important to dye.  Check TV Ads… If you don’t dye, your wife will not come out shopping with you. Children won’t talk and neighbourhood fellow will call you ‘Uncle’. If you dye, all will sing and dance around you. Dyes change a grandpa to ‘bro’ in a jiffy. If Godrej hadn’t sold dyes, many Indian women would have gone for divorce. That’s the reason saloons loot more money like Vijay Mallya. To escape them you have to be either bald i.e blessing in disguise or Sardar ji  i.e disguise in blessing.  I am planning to become a Sardar ji.  Our national Sunday duty is dyeing when grandpa, grandma, father and mother sit together for a session of family dyeing. When moustache start to fade within 4 days after dyeing like husbands’ lies and we get furious like seasoned wives. Desperate times need desperate measures.  Maskara, eyeliners and dark pencils stand for us.  North Indians use different colours widely and one can see red heads, rangoli heads and wooden heads. Some come out as if they had played holi on the saloon. In South, People prefer black alone as they don’t want others to know.   They will happily reveal national secrets but not dyeing secrets. Luckily we had shed all the body hair from our Gorilla ancestors. Otherwise we can dye only in dyeing tanks used for fabrics. You can become a modern Artist, if you dye regularly, as the strokes are same!   If snow white heads suddenly turn as black as Tar especially the forehead and sideburns and if dogs bark or children weep on seeing you, it is better to change the dye. Choose your dye more carefully than you choose your wife as it kills slower.  But you got the liberty to change to other company die or have two three company dies at the same time. Go for popular brands who advertise a lot like Modi ji and preferably foreign brands.  Don’t fall for “Make in India” campaign or else you will roam as if born to ration card and aadhar card photo.

North Indians believe that the blessing of transgenders come true.            Yesterday I saw them near tollgate. One person was like a model and I was overawed. If ‘Wishing well’ had been nearby, I would have thrown a dime and wished!? Then she came towards me in a zigzag walk “tap” “tap”ed near my face twice and said “Give me 10 rupees Sir” in a salt paper voice.  Luckily wishing well was not there. Otherwise next time when you cross that tollgate, you would have seen me tap, tapping. I gave her money like a 3G spectrum accused and talked to her politely as I always talk before spotting the hidden gold in the passenger.  When I told her that I am the overall in charge of the International Airport, Chennai, She was overawed. She shared her problem and I poured my problem (Night Crawlers part I and II). She told me that I was the most important person and I couldn’t help remembering my Boss who always tells me the same till end of the shift. She mocked me to marry her.  I assured him/her that I will be back if I am ever kicked out by my wife which may not be far away seeing the way I express here. When we departed with tearful eyes and heavy heart, she blessed me as” Have a happy long life with WIVES and children”.  WIVES?!          I am confused now. Because did she actually bless me or curse me by wishing “WIVES”?           I can go on a ‘marrying spree’ and honour the belief of north Indians or I can act against her noble (!) wish by not marrying and break the myth of north Indians thereby causing havoc in their hearts. I am at the crucial stage of my life to go with or against millions of people!              Supposing that their wishes always come true…             Dragging the life with one wife or husband itself is a lifetime achievement for anyone. In this context, how can I live with multiple wives happily that too a long life or will the life look to be long if I marry exponentially? Wife is the centre/epicentre of any house as she always stands on her husband, the brick, all the time.           Is there any guidance book from Rapidex like “How to live happily with multiplying  wives”? Or   Can any experienced man “cast the first stone?”  Is there a “Pariharam” i.e remedy for averting this impending disaster ?          If it’s true?             Then how many does the plural term of “wives” actually denote? Two or more?  Will I be blessed with 350 wives like Dasaratha or Sixteen  thousand wives  like Krishna?    With  16,500 wives  I will  be  like “Owners Pride, Neighbour’s Envy”.           Shall I give ad like “Wives needed. Colour, height, weight no bar.  Married, Divorcee, single, double no problem.  Indian, African, Martian no issues.  Bridegroom works in the International airport for the last 6 months. At what time he works and at what time he sleeps is not yet clear. Earns handful and talks mouthful.          Should I have to lease a building like Airport for residence or live under a shamiana?  Should I pay house tax or corporation tax?           16,500 ladies under one roof.  Won’t rest of the Tamil Nadu go deaf?   Will anyone  ever invite me “with family” to their function? There won’t be any family photo in my life only family movie.        In the brighter side, I can have my own cricket teams, Wife Wars and family marathon with my offspring. My family will become the new taluk under Tamil Nadu State and I will be the independent MLA as well and fight for “We Two, Ours Nil” Plan like every politician does. I will take one cylinder per wife and surrender the remaining wives I mean cylinders. Can you find six differences between these two?        I thought for long, convinced myself and took the bold step to marry for the sake of helping 16,500 girls.  Suddenly the thought of 16500 MOTHERS IN LAW  doomed on me.         Now I have sworn to live with my One and Only Wife Full Stop

A shopping-maniac wife Husbands die to be at home during weekend. But when a wife decides to grant his wish by shopping, a husband can only pray for mercy killing. Because man proposes, Wife disposes. Wife is goddess Kali with two hands, but with a lengthier tongue.          So, how to tackle this situation gracefully in spite of being beaten black and blue by your wife? Here are a few tips from an expert which will never work with any wife. Still can we stop planning our strategies? 1. Never fight the better OFF! She will shout your brain out or drown you with tears. Face it like       a (helpless) man. When she tells her plan for a purchase, don’t think “God! There goes my           weekend”. She will read your mind and you won’t have a mind to think again. 2. Facial expressions are important. Don’t hang your face like bull dog or P.V.Narasimha Rao.       Try to smile like Mr.Bean. 3. Try to act feverish or having a terrific head ache. She may grunt and give up Or frown and fry        you up. 4. Encourage her to go alone or with her friend. One lady is handful. Two are a battalion. Why         should we suffer in their stampede? 5. If everything else fails, keep your vehicle ready as if going for a race. If it doesn’t start, then         you will be crucified like Jesus. At least he was back after three days. You will be haunted for     the rest of your poor life with your wife’s face. 6. Take your wallets, cards, cheque books, house securities and liquid assets. Make a will if           possible. Look at your house for the last time. As no one knows when you will return, pack           razors, gadgets and chess board. You will get plenty of free husbands there! 7. Don’t try to be too smart by suggesting small shops’ names. Your wife would have a clear          map with her by now. So she will visit the shops she planned, as well as those you mentioned. 8. After ransacking 1000 racks and 100 salesman when she tells ‘There isn’t much to look at”,      take a deep breath and ask “Shall we go to another shop?”. Don’t ask “Shall we go to                another planet?” 9. Yoga and few aasanas will come handy to relax. You don’t have to be an expert like Ramdev     to rotate your stomach. The price of the garments your wife chooses will do that for you. 10. Always take your children with you. Their nuisance will eat your wife’s brain and help in              successful retrieval. If possible, take the neighbours’ children on loan. Children’s barbarism       in public place like pulling others’ dresses and musings may make the parents beam with            pride but the shop owners will throw you out. 11. Supply her intermittently with ice cream and juice. You can mix a few or many sleeping pills       or diarrhea causing tablets, depending upon the size, as wives come in all sizes like drum,          pencil and road rollers. 12. Try using the words “It’s good”, “Nice”, “Beautiful” generously to cut her marathon run. Try to       look sincere and don’t utter these words keeping an eye on the girls passing by. 13. Take your sisters-in-law as well! In Percy Shelley’s words “If wife is here, can sister-in-law           be far behind”.       Shopping is never complete till some people appreciate it. So bribe a few people for praising the choice. If some suggest any flaws, then the blame will come on you for choosing that, though your wife had selected the right one. Note down those people. We will extract vengeance some time.

This Blog was written in facebook when I was in Kolkata Customs… What did I learn after spending so many months in Kolkata? IS IT…. There are more fish varieties in Bengal markets than in Bay of Bengal? SC Bose alone got us freedom? Ganguly is the only cricketer during his era and sachin, dravid used to be water carriers then? Bengal is the sweet capital of India? No..  I learnt in how many ways my stomach can be infected!!?           My stomach has been inhibited by variety of viruses and bacterias and they live in colonies. Now they have started their unions as well. My stomach problems continue like Hanuman’s tail. For the last week or so, It again adopted the strike culture of Bengal and refused to work like Govt employees. The strike was followed by slogans and sounds. Heavy riot followed. I can’t digest this any more!               Advices started to pour in from all ten directions?!! Top and bottom directions included. Eat banana, bread, drink black tea, do regular exercise, do yoga and take homeopathy medicines. I liked the first 3 only as it involved eating. My family doctor gave me a list of medicines. When I asked him “Is it before or after the meals? He scornfully looked at me and said “for meals”.              Well nowadays I purchase medicines like groceries. Some pharmacists treat me like their new competitor who is going to open a shop, some give me royal treatment. They give me ‘festival offer’, special discounts and compliments. Nowadays whenever a new medicine comes including gynaecology tablets, they inform me.                I could withstand all ‘pressures’ except seeing my peers slurping 3 course meals with 4 course non-veg items. In Haldia we have our mess and they serve non-veg, 3 times a day. Daily we eat a fish variety excluding blue whale and penguin. Haldia market is small one. So we don’t get them here. Ever since I told my friends that I should not take non-veg, their appetite seems to have grown manifold. They indulge in fingerlicking monoactings in front of me to augur my agony. I had to change my meal timings.               Will any Indian invent a stomach with less tubes for “stomach transplantation” please. Do you think, we can’t? Though Phone and sim were invented by others, We are the ones who invented ‘Missed Call’. Isn’t it? We can.  smile emoticon

How to remember your wife’s birthday, anniversary and other important dates. Five easy steps to be a successful husband 😜 1.   Branded showrooms and big shops are asking to fill our anniversary dates and spouse’s birthdates.      Write one day prior to the actual dates.      Nowadays they are reminding us by sending wishes and we won’t miss an occasion. 2.  Use social sites like fb, way2sms to remind the dates. You can set future smss alongwith time here. 3.  Sit one day and store all these evil dates in your cellphone to keep a reminder. 4.  Bribe your children to remind the dates diplomatically like “If You can remember and tell me one day before mother’s birthday then I will gift you a brand new watch” (whatever).  Our life is more precious than the cost of watch. 5.  If nothing works, then forget your wife’s birthday once. Then you will never forget it again in your life time. (Issued in husbands interest)

When Indians complete air travel, Why do they never remove the baggage destination tag till reaching their remote hometown? Do they ever remove it or always carry them around till it wears off? Why do we celebrate the Indians who achieved some thing big in a foreign country, when they had already left Madame India, obtained foreign citizenship and settled elsewhere? Our press finds out that their father’s 2nd grandmother was Indian. If plucking a white hair from the head produces more white hairs, Will plucking a black hair prop up more black hair? The Impending fall of low hip pants is more dangerous to the wearing men or watching women? No. of women in a house is directly proportional to the amount of hair in the comb. Still men have to clean it. Invariably ‘Lawyers’, ‘Police’ stickers are pasted in their vehicles, is it to show the power?! Does anyone who thinks “Time is gold” feel  free to exchange the gold with my time?