In this fast-food world, history also repeated within a week. Again Chennai was mourning for former PM Vajpayee and the roads were less crowded. Once bitten twice shy. So today morning itself, I checked my phone for any holiday.There were two messages from friends. First one stated…”See State Govt has given full day leave whereas Central Govt has given half day leave only. So we are twice efficient than you are”. Govt employee and efficiency !!I replied that twice the zero is not two zeroes. It is also zero” Second message stated that “Arey yar! Don’t go to office today and start crying in your blog again. I think Vajpayee sir must have read your last one and died.” I quietly opened my office whatsapp group and checked if anyone discussed about my holiday. Last time some came to the office. When they were teased in whatsapp group about their presence, they uploaded their images by sitting in the office. It was also teased as the images could have been taken earlier. So this time I expected our colleagues to record a dance video from office like “Ki Ki Challenge” and post it in group. I thought of advising pregnant ladies, weak hearted people and old people not to open office whatsapp group if dance videos were uploaded as they could kill you. If you have doubt, Check Chitra kajal in Musically app. People get fits, become lunatics and die as well after seeing her dance videos. My son leaning on the chair asked me “Even State Government is partial to BJP”. I turned and asked “How come?”. He quipped “Why didn’t they give leave to us when Somnath Chatterjee died?” I was thinking how to answer. He again asked “On whose death, will you be given full day leave? I told ” May be for Mallya or Nirav Modi.” Again he asked “Who would be the next senior leader for getting us holiday? I left my house in a hurry to Custom House. Same Sepoy was standing at the gate but this time he didn’t tell “Sir Smriti Sthal is on that side”. He opened and let me in. I heard him saying “Sir always come first da if anyone dies” making me a “funeral arranger”. Today I had cajoled, pleaded and managed to get lunch. So, I entered the office flaunting my lunch bag on my back. Further I was armed with food upto my teeth this time. Lunch, biscuits, Fruits and Gurkha whistle. I called my friend Ramesh and asked whether crow had taken chapati and if not could he bring it to office? He replied “Don’t worry. I have made for you too”. (These north indians make chapatis so soft like dosa. When we make, it comes out harder than MRF tyre) My favourite biometric machine was occupied by others. So I tried nearby two machines. They showed x-ray of my face and declined to recognise. I returned to my favourite machine and registered my attendance. I thought they also had ruling and opposition parties. Like Aadhar Challenge, I want to challenge the hackers “Do you have the guts to crack our biometric machines? PLEASE! Office attendance was maximum! That was the funny thing about Govt offices. They would put left indicator, show right hand but not move a single inch. You can never understand them. Last time it was working day but nobody was present. Today half day leave was given and everyone was present. Queue was there in the biometric, queue was there in the canteen and queue was there in the restroom as well. Some staff had come with their family too. They must have stopped to mark their attendance on their way to mall. I expected a deserted house but here it was houseful. Feeling depressed, I sat in the chair and thought constructively like “Engineers use Er symbol, Doctors use Dr symbol and Lawyers use neckband logo in their cars”. What can a customs officer use? Officers in airport can use HMD (hand metal detector) and at docks can use container as their logo!! What could be the common symbol? I thought till lunch and it was time to leave. They were closing the doors and corridors were deserted at the noon time itself! Slowly I came down thinking “Will I have to write third one in a row?

Men are made to be macho, drunkard and be irresponsible. Buying grocery is not one of them.   So many types of dhals and rice varieties. They all look same like Chinese girls. I took photos of dhalls and named Pigeon pea as Priyanka Chopra, Chickpea as Deepika Padukone, Moong dhall as Madhuri likewise and kept in my purse. Now confusion and actresses’ photo remains in my purse!  The society gobbles all leaves in some name or the other and my brain gets short circuited.  I could never distinguish any green except banana leaf.   Selecting the vegetables is a headache.  Some are to be scratched, some are to be broken and some are to be bitten.  If no test marks are found on the vegetables, husbands would be scratched, broken and bitten in their houses.  In the departmental stores, I always get baskets without a handle or trolley with a broken wheel. As a result I always carry the basket on my hip or head like porter. Genetically modified vegetables are coming to markets like tomato with fish gene. If this “Fishtato” is born to tomato and fish, Is it Veg or Non veg?   Next they may invent cow carrot, pig potato, dog onion.  Further they may add human genes as well.  If a brinjal were to be born with my gene, Will it be my son? or Will I be it’s mother? Exotic vegetables like red cabbage, yellow capsicum and small potatoes threaten mortals like me. For quite some time, I thought they were plastic and kept for decoration. So many vegetables. Still Tamilians make two buckets of Sambar to last for three days with drumstick or radish only. All those who go abroad carry a container of rice and drumstick.  You can feed USA for one month with that amount of rice.  Bargaining with the vendor is another tricky thing. But women are the Gods of bargain. They could bargain with Lord Yama to bring their husband’s life back. If they go out with hundred rupees to purchase, they will bring goods worth of Rs.100 and return with a balance of Rs.50/-. They can bargain for hours to beat down the price and the vendor some times. The word “shopping” makes jingles music to wives’ ears and siren to husband’s ears. If a man likes the first shirt, he will pack and go home.  If a woman likes the first saree, she will keep it separate, check the remaining 999 sarees and 99 nearby shops before packing it. scientists have proved that shopping helps wives to reduce depression. Morticians have proved that shopping of wives increases the depression of husbands. In those days women used to throng the vendors who come on the streets for selling things.  Ladies used to surround them and bargain.  It’s for sharpening their skills. It’s like match practice for taking on their “would be” husbands and mothers-in-laws. If one buys a 1000 rupees saree for Rs.240, her victory parade would start to all the nearby homes. Most of the vendors are men is an advantage to women.  Mars will melt in front of Venus.  One vendor near my house will give free tomatoes if a lady buys Curry leaves. If I buy tomatoes, he would tell the rate in dollars. nline shopping has come as a blessing for people like me.  I can do shopping without bathing and wearing “only” lungy. Can see any number of items and leave. No one will scold “Saavu Kiraaki”.   So my life is at ease like Modiji’s in the second term….

Rapid-text :  An In-comprehensive guide to Customs officers who join airport. Learn airport customs work in 30 minutes. 🙂 Working in airport is a dream job or at least would seem so as you are always sleepy whether you are on or off the duty.  If you are posted there, don’t delay in joining. 62 times airport glass panels have fallen. Unless it falls and kills someone, our govt won’t change anything. So Please join and bring a change ! Purchase white uniform (Stitch pants with elastic at the hips), marker (for marking bags) and a knife (for checking luggage). Learn how to scan the bags thoroughly. I was told to mark all black images and I had been marking all black bags for one month till my BS questioned ‘why this racism’ ! If you are posted at Hand Baggage Scan, you will get opportunity to see a lot of beautiful passengers. But stick to your scanner image till you become senior. Seniors can watch two sceneries at the same time by rotating both eyes separately! Nowadays passengers are returning to mother India with murderous rage due to demonetization, flight delay and TV duty. They will wait for days in the immigration on foreign soil and not a minute in Indian mud. If you stop them, they will turn into Hulk!  So learn verbal karate, verbal kung fu and all bad words. I can scold you nonstop in Chinese, Korean as well as Japanese. When you can’t fight, call Customs Sepoys. Indian blood is afraid of Khaki Uniforms from pre-independence period.  I have seen many Bahubalis melt in front of our khaki-clad sepoys.  Collecting duty for TV is the biggest challenge in airport. Bargaining will be going on in all TV counters like village cattle market. No one wants to pay duty to the Government. Their stand is that why should they pay duty to a country which is still developing 71 years after independence. Even an ape would have evolved into a man by this time. But they didn’t know that every week we are sending a businessman with 1000 crores to London and we plan to purchase England sometime!  If you are an atheist while joining the airport, trust me. You will become an ardent devotee while quitting the airport as you are certain to face cascade of problems. I became devotee of Lord Rama, Vishnu, Allah, Jesus, Raghavendra and Dharmendra. Name hardly matters. If a stone with flowers is found, I pray ! After my shift duties, I used to reside at temples.   You will find new positions in sleeping. If you are found hanging upside down and sleeping like owl, tell your family not to bother. Tell them its new “Pathanjali Yoga”. You can meet all VIPs and Cine stars who will be cordial. Once I asked actor Kattappa why he killed Bahubali. He replied that Bahubali was also asking unnecessary questions !  I worked as PRO as well which was like chicken in briyani! (icing on the cake). Working as PRO is one and half times tougher than working as officer. PROs used to command earlier. Now they take care of demands from passengers as PRO has become Public Restraining Officer. PROs walk a lot. I was 7 feet when I joined airport and now only 5 ½ feet. I discovered that missing feet in my stomach. The PRO who replaced me is already 3 ft. I wonder what will happen to him?   My friend who joined airport, resembled a baby elephant then.  Now he already looks like a pregnant elephant.     PROs will face a few problems too.. Someone would invariably call us at the ungodly hours during our sleep. Once someone called me at 02.30 am and asked who is in charge there? I blinked and told ‘My Wife’. He told ‘No Yaar’, “Which AC is working?”  I told “Samsung AC”.  He hung up. Another day I was woken up by siren sound at 0100 am (my  Whatsapp sound).  Someone sent me a video showing a wife killing her sleeping husband by throwing a big stone on his head. I couldn’t sleep after that.   From that day I put my phone in ‘Husband’ (quiet) mode during night time. Once a VIP in full booze was to be seen off by a PRO friend.  The facility was so impressed by my friend’s calibre, he kissed the PRO on his longest forehead (?) and took off. The PRO returned spitting all the way. Another time, a person had requested a PRO for domestic entry. The PRO went to Chennai domestic terminal and searched. Both were at domestic but couldn’t spot each other. After playing hide and seek for half an hour, my PRO found that the other guy was in Trichy airport and had requested for facility there! My friend returned and was seen shouting  @*$%#  Keep working in airport till you start getting hallucinations. I started to stare at the woman’s necks for 24 ct gold chains even at my family functions.  Once I thought of taking a guest who came to my house for physical checking. Then it worsened.  I started to look at the crotches of the men on the road for hidden gold. If this happens to you, then its high time to take transfer . Till then happy Checking.

LUCKILY WE ARE NOT MEN As I have written enough teasing the women, this one is written being in a woman’s high heels (shoes) and seeing the opposite gender. Men are afraid of us like groundhogs of their own shadow. They depend on their physical power alone to dominate us. Men think they are lucky to be men. On the contrary women are luckier than men in several aspects. Here is how… No belly problem. Men’s belly starts from the neck and continues upto knee. Family  pack stomach! Men stay pregnant for their lives. No baldness problem, that too a variety of naked heads. Helmet heads – as shiny as an oiled egg . They can wash their face and head at the same time.Ostrich heads – hair sprinkled here and there. Kids can play connecting the dots game.Camouflaged heads- where hair comes out from the back of the head and curls throughout. Wind is their eternal enemy. Some men tonsure their heads and roam with a tail resembling a bomb with fuse. We don’t have hair like Pomeranian and we don’t have to shave daily to differentiate from a bear. We dress to kill, whereas men dress like dead or like a jail prisoner. Either way they look like scarecrow on the field. Nowadays men are roaming in bermudas flaunting their skinny, polio attacked legs, in spite of their age. No dreams about our WOOD-be. Because we know we have to live in a zoo. Only, the animal differs depending upon his age. After being bitten by boss, a man reaches home either to bite or to get sterilised by wife. Being a football, he is kicked by both sides i.e., by boss in the office and by wife at home and occasionally by the spectator as well. We are the queen bees for whom servant bees work throughout their lives. Young men wearing “hanging pants” precariously sticking below their hip line. You got to pray like Rajini that it doen’t fall on you. “kadavule, kadavule, kadavule…” Men are like mosquitoes. They stay awake late hours and sleep in the morning. Men never know the beauty of flower or its fragrance as they stink like mobile ash trays or broken liquor bottles. We use body spray after shower and not ‘for shower’. We use perfume to spread aroma and not to drill and grill others’ noses. We don’t apply powder like on a carrom board. We are neither trash nor keep our room a garbage godown. We let the men assume to be the pillar of the house in spite of them being the false pillar. We are omnipotent. We can turn a man into fool and a fool into mad..

Vote for Ashok … Election comes once in 5 years unless some elected representative is kind to allow by election. People of Tamil Nadu have been waiting for this election eagerly for quite some time. With all the heat, problems and troubles, they are eager to utilise this opportunity properly. So with 5 days leave and money, all are planning to go for a picnic. Where else can they get leave and money together? Thanos wiped out half the earth’s population and left the remaining people for Indian politicians. So having been impressed with the way Dhoni’s Dads’ Army won IPL cup last year, Party heads have nominated “Grandpas’ in this election. But I am not one of them. I want to compete for MP or MLA post. What is the noble and benevolent cause for this? There is one Ashok Kumar loitering in every floor of our Custom House. When one Ashok was promoted, many called and congratulated me. When one Ashok died, some called and expressed their profound condolences to me. I am sincerely praying that none of the Pollachi rapists’ name should be Ashok. So MP or MLA tag will help me to distinguish. But I will bring “a change” like everyone has promised. I won’t hide after saying “Let the third world War come, I will see” or fight only in Twitter as I don’t have account in that. I have still not decided whether to file my nomination for MLA or MP. I don’t know whether Tamilians are blessed or the Indians to have me at the helm. I am qualified to contest for the Parliament as (i) I know how to make tea (ii) Wink my eye alternatively like Priya Varrier. I swear to bring back “Democrazy”. Should I go as Independent to loot alone or float a party to loot in group is another dilemma. If I win as an independent and there happens to be a hung assembly, I will become Ashok Ambani in a day. If I win by floating a party, we will conduct surgical strike on the State. I swear that my party MLAs will conduct with dignity while dancing in Koovathur resort. If I say “all those who don’t like any of the present parties, Vote for me”, then I am sure to get 100% votes”. Our choices are like this. When a politician waves at you, I am the one who knows that he is not only showing his middle finger to you but also all the fingers. I will float a tender and allot all 32 districts of Tamil Nadu to the highest bidder. Trust me. In spite of this, I will be the least of all the evils out there. In politics, you invest once and loot for five year. But this time no one can cheat the people. They have understood the value of their votes. They now ask 2 to 3 thousand for each vote. I am planning to give 10 rupee note to all with bank guarantee and assure to give the balance if I am elected! Joint venture!! After our Abhinandan’s heroics, every politician is roaming in the streets in uniform to seek vote, and it is hard to differentiate between a Chowkidhar and a Politician. My Party name will be AIAMK as it is customary in TN to use acronym for party names. “All India Ashok Munnetra Kalaham”. Principle: I won’t reveal that to TN people. Will disclose that in Uganda and Nigeria only. Otherwise also, when did our people vote on the principle? They have always voted for face, symbol and Briyani. Ambition : To become millionaire. Bring my children as successor and lie in marina beach after death. Election symbol: As an ex-serviceman, I plan to ask for AK47 rifle or as a customs man, I can ask for handheld body scanner though asking Container may be appropriate (!). We will present the people with cyanide pills after voting. Slogan : If you hate corruption, let me handle it. Promises* : A free mid day meal scheme for the welfare of husbands in all the Offices. Free smart phone with pre installed Tik Tak and PUBG game to all school students. Free dinner to the families during popular TV serial events like Roja 1000 or Priyamanavale 5000nd episode. If I become CM, Kaveri will be brought from Karnataka to Tamil Nadu including all ladies who are named as Kaveri. A promise is a promise. Methane, Propane and Butane plans will be shifted from TN to Delhi. If I become PM, it will be further shifted to Pakistan. All our MLAs will visit one constituency every month and perform cultural events. All those uncles who roam on the streets in knickers will be kicked out to kindergarten. One statue higher than Mount Everest will be erected in all districts. Tourist place as well as suicide point for people. I promise “Swachh Tamil Nadu” to everyone. All Govt Staffs will clean the streets daily in the first hour. To solve TN fishermen’s deaths…. Gulf of Mannar will be moved between India and China. At least then fishermen who die will be classified as Indian fishermen and not Tamil fishermen. Taj Mahaal will be moved to Thanjavur. If you can’t believe these small things, how can you believe all the party’s manifestos which are more absurd than this! To solve farmers’ death… All fertile lands will be sold to real estate developers. Farmers will be given “Pakoda Loan” for making Pakodas. So baayo, bheno, chaacha, chaachi vote for me… * Conditions apply. Party Flag :

Vote for Ashok … Rented Worries.. If Laxmi is the goddess of wealth, Viswakarma of profession, then house owners are the Gods of houses. My House owner even looks like Kali Statue. People living in their own houses may never know this. But a person who lives in rented house always faces the brunt of these land lords. In the hierarchy of biting power, house owners will surely come after Wife and Boss. They will show you hell on EMI basis and enjoy tormenting the tenants like a pig in the poop. First Step into the hell : “Vacancy boards” on the gates can be seen with conditions like…No bachelors – as they are the terrorists of the nation.Small family – Earlier it was “Only couple”. After 377 Supreme court’s order, it changed to “One Husband and One Wife only“. No two husbands or two wives.Decent family. One who doesn’t look like King Kong or talk like one. House owner must love you at first sight. Otherwise the standard answer is ”Sorry already booked”. Second Step : If the landlord considers you worthy of renting his house, then the interview would begin. It is easier to pass all other tests like UPSC, driving test and even pregnancy test but not this.You have to narrate your biography starting from your grandfather. Whether you are part of any caste, religious based group or union. After taking the house on rent, I told my house owner that my grandfather once murdered his house owner over a dispute!!Occupants should not be more than four. House owners are stricter than the government in enforcing family planning.No babies. Too much noise or they would spoil the walls. So send them to hostel or give them on adoption.Where do you work? If there is any benefit to the owner through this. Rent was increased by a thousand when I told that I was in revenue department. When I tell these house owners that I am a Customs Officer, they always think that I work in TASMAC liquor shop or Burma bazaar electronic shop. So either they ask for booze or electronic items. My house owner keeps pestering me for phone, laptop, TV, fridge and ATM machine. Last step : If the Almighty is happy to rent you the house, then you have to sign a lease document consisting of 100 conditions. You can violate Moses’ Ten Commandments but not these. He expects you to obey all conditions better than his dog.Guests should not come often. Your parents and relatives can visit you when India retrieves black money from swizz accounts. If guests come, water scarcity would follow. Even Karnataka wala may give water but not house owner wala. If the landlord takes bath once a week, then you must do the same. Or “you are consuming too much water.”Curfew would be implemented after 9.30 pm. All must remain under house arrest till morning. Sleep walking and sleep talking is also not allowed.During holidays he would gladly take “your” newspaper, read it and share with you. He would take your wifi password as well and always would remind you when the net pack is over.My house owner is a Modi admirer and charges GST on my house rent as well. When I asked him why he was not paying income tax, he curtly said that it was invented by Congress.You must show your smiling face to the owner’s child, relatives and dog also except his wife.As of now, my only ambition in life is to build a ‘gated community’ with ten houses in Chennai like Puzhal prison, rent them and rule my tenants like Hitler. I am ready to sell my left arm, one kidney and my rented house also for this. Any takers ?

A day like Sherlock Homes… 🕵️‍♂️ A lady must have invented inspection when her husband was his subordinate. This has spread everywhere like Musically Chitra Ghajal’s fame. When it was decided to visit airport for inspection by Chief Commissioner Office, Customs, the “Detective” inside me woke up and started chest thumping like Gorilla. I had always been at the receiving end of inspection teams arranging refreshments. Its my turn now. A handful of elite, smartest, brightest etc etc Officers were selected to bear the baton of CC Office. We were subjected to rigorous physical and medical examinations. Physical test involved staying awake for 4 hours straight and medical test involved staying away from drinking 10 cups of Siva’s tea. Siva is our tea(m) man who provides a cup of tea every hour and one tea in between. Only married officials were selected in the team as married men are habituated to undergo interview and married women in conducting the interview. To be a successful in any inspection, one must know about one’s team members thoroughly. So I learnt who all don’t eat samosa, have sugar and pass on their samosas and sweets to others. What is inspection? An inspection is nothing but unearthing the lacunae which the Officers trying to hide so that it could be hidden better and never found again. There are three “R” in any inspection. Responsibility, Resolution and Reverence to work. I got all. So one day before the inspection, I approached my boss and asked…I : Are we going to airport for checking the Kuruvis sir?Boss : No, DRI will do that.I : Are we going for checking the officers ?Boss : No, CBI will do that.I : Are we going to check airport bathrooms then ?Boss : No. Airport Authority will do that.I : Then, why are we going Sir ?Boss : We are going for airport inspection.I : Oh! Understood. We are going to check the beautifulcrews.Boss : No, their Vigilance Section will do that.I : Then why are we going?Boss : We are going for airport inspection. I looked at my boss and left. As I was coming out, my boss shouted “Don’t tell anyone why we are going to airport for inspection!”. Later I came to know that we were going to inspect files only. Files or Piles! I was happy to escape from bio-metric attendance and my daily work i.e answering RTI applications. The reason is… Nowadays my Office queue for bio-metric attendance stands upto nearby collector office. At this rate we may have to build cubicles like in Tirupati Tirumala temple and send officials one by one. “Jaruhandi, Jaruhandi”. Secondly these anti-Indians are asking all type of questions in RTI forum.(i) How to make soft idly Manchurian?If you return the application, they question “Why didn’t you send my application to the concerned department as per so and so rule?”If you tell “Don’t know”, they question “Do you Customs Officers work at least sometimes? Say Yes or No” as per so and so rule.(ii) Did Vijayashanti underwent training when She acted in Telugu movie “Customs Officer?”(iii) How to grow hair on the bald head? I geared up and took bath also. While talking about bath, I wish to express my anguish that… People in states like Assam and Bengal where water is abundant bath once a week or month. So is it advisable to bath daily in a water scarcity place like Chennai? People must wake up. I am tired of bathing daily. It seems like I bathed yesterday only and again its time. Modi ji has to pass a rule that how many times Tamilians at Chennai must take bath in a week. Tamil culture has already so many baths like oil bath, stream bath, sun bath and now added to the list is mann ki bath as well. When I entered airport, I was nostalgic for a moment. This is where I spent my best years of service without doing any work. Each and every chair can tell a lot about my butt. When my boss allotted offices to inspect, I told “I will check Duty Free Shop and authenticate the quality of liquor sir. My boss told “No, I will look into that. You should have been enlightened for that.” So I asked how to attain enlightenment. My Boss told “You have to distil your thoughts, brew good memories and peg away from desire. Now go and take care of our refreshments. R for refreshment too!” Yet again Sherlock Homes was sent for catering. The airport was calm. we entered. The End. As the team grilled and drilled the office bearers, I too noted my observations. The changes were visible to my trained eyes. How the ground crew girls had put on weight, how the kuruvis had reduced in number and how DFS had added new varieties of booze. The day flew. About Inspection….My Boss told me not to reveal anything…

I have never reached Custom house so fast. Yesterday the roads were deserted and the shops were closed as the state was mourning the demise of Dr Kalaignar. No holiday for Central Govt Offices. I was getting ready for office and my son enquired “On whose death will you be given leave ?” I started as usual and rode on my bike to Office. The situation was very tense with variety of problems and I was thinking where would I get my lunch ! When I entered the custom house gate, the sepoy stopped me and told “Sir Rajaji hall that side!”. I told him “Yar I am working here and have come to office”. He saw me like a lunatic and opened the gate. I too thought of taking leave. But my sixth sense scolded me “No one would be present in the office including your boss (!) and Why should you take leave?” So I packed my ipad, hindu paper, one novel and came to work. As my house was also mourning, I was thrown out without lunch. If I had asked for lunch, I would as well have been placed in Rajaji bhavan or Marina beach. I entered proudly as I was the first one to enter custom House and found the biometric itself was mourning and refused to work. It often happened in our tech-savvy Central Govt office where the arrangements are foolproof like aadhar card security! In some days we had to stand in queue for 15 minutes and still the machine wouldn’t recognise me like my wife during TV serial time. I ran helter-skelter to imprint my finger prints to all floors including nearby collector office. I could finally mark my attendance at 9.40 am. Feeling relieved, I sank in my chair and found my colleagues arguing about the possibility of holiday in whatsapp group !! I prayed to every God that NO holiday should be given at any cost. The office was like “booth bungalow”. So I loitered in the corridors like a Gurkha blowing my whistle to find someone to talk. Three skinny people were coming and I asked them “Who are you?” One replied “Skeleton staff sir. Today all commissionerates are working with skeleton staff only”. I went ahead and saw two large/ fat persons coming. I assumed that they must be dinosaur skeletons! All men were in Canteen. Like “work from home” this was “Work from Canteen” culture. In the normal days itself, getting lunch from the canteen used to be like getting freedom from British. Queue used to be there like Tirupati Balaji darshan. You could get a plate of rice after lathi-charge and teargas was resorted to. Today no one had brought lunch and no shops outside. So lunch coupon was given on MP’s letter only. Canteen staff told that they had sold more lunches today than any other day. I was really happy that my colleagues’ wives also didn’t provide lunch. Normally school going children’s left overs are thrown in our lunch box. But my eyes were tearful when I saw one of my colleagues had the courage to get the lunch made from his wife. I approached him respectfully and enquired. He replied that he regularly came to office after cooking food for the whole day and used to pack his lunch. He had the habit of feeding his first roti to crows. As no crow came that day he had brought that and gave it to me. Staffs trickled in but all were gents. It turned out to be “Men’s Day” as no madam was present. It clearly showed how much gents are dedicated and value their work and office. They risked their lives to come to office kept the nation ahead of themselves is a thought to ponder. Hope the society recognise this someday and provides lunch at least.An

A fair journey… Fair colour has always been an obsession with south Indians. There can never be a southie who didn’t bleach or done facial at some point of time.  Society itself is partial towards white. That’s why white is auspicious and black is the colour of sorrow here. All white things are considered to be good like White lie, white money (!), and white Rum whereas black is looked down like blacksheep, blackmail and black list. I too tried to become a ‘whitie’ during my younger days as my father had told me to be ‘fair’ in life.  My experiments with ayurvedic, acupuncture and grandma tips failed like cases against Salman Khan. So I had always longed to be White like a European or golden like Chinese or wheatish like North Indians.  Recently I was taken for a ride by a dermatologist.  He became my friend in the line of duty.  He assured me that my tanned skin colour could be turned into ‘white’ if I knew how with foreign cosmetics. He explained to me about melanin, pigmentation and how to eat healthy foods for glowing complexion. I am a simple fair and lovely man but my obsession with foreign things got the better of me. When he promised to give me 60 shades of grey in 60 days, I followed him like hutch dog. My doctor, like Rajinikanth, told me that my physical system had to be cleaned up first and gave me a tablet to clean my stomach. Foreign tablet ! Last time I took an “Sudheshi” tablet to clean my stomach, it had failed miserably inside my six pack stomach.  It was time for foreign tablet now!! Thus the “Swachh Ashok” campaign began. I took the tablet on a weekend which turned into a weak end. Stomach cleaning started slowly and gathered stream!  What started as a locomotive soon turned into a bullet train with sirens blaring. It was like Niagara flooding inside rest room. My six packs were shredded into pieces.  Intestines, bowls including my soul went down the drain. Rest room became my living room for that day. I was exhausted but impressed with the quality. Foreign product !!  I was mentally ready to turn fair. After getting foreigners’ colour, I thought of changing my name to ‘Ashok Alexandre’ or ‘Ashok Clinton’.  I took my photo before starting the course as it could be useful for the “Before” and “After” still.   My doctor prescribed and I bathed in foreign soaps, applied gel, coated cream and powder on the face and ate tablets like pop eye, the sailor man. I stopped going out in the “goddamn” sun light like drakula as it would be detrimental to my ‘wouldbe’ fair complexion!  It went for a month but nothing was changing except my back balance.   So I went back to my doc. My doc told me that it would be a slow process like straightening the dog’s tail and gave me a different set of kit box. Tom Cruise was there on the lid of the box and my “Mission Impossible” dreams resumed. In the meanwhile some boils popped up and it boiled on my face. I returned to my doc.             The doc told me that my body was not accepting the changes like my family and prescribed some more Sodium, Potassium, Cyanide and Bleaching powder to stop the problems and assured that things will be rosy thereafter.  I reluctantly reduced my dream of getting French colour to north Indian colour.   At least after getting North Indians’ colour, I can change my name to ‘Ashok Agnihotri’. But after 15 days, when I looked at the mirror, my colour winked at me like Rahul Gandhi and told “Don’t be childish”.   But after a month, it was itchy bitchy all over and patches came in batches. I rushed to my family doctor.  He listened to me for five minutes and scolded me for twenty minutes.  He told me that our skin need not be white but our heart must be. He made me to understood that good things also start with black like “Black Label”.  Now I am looking for a way to change my heart into white, gold or wheatish colour.  Please suggest. Scratchingly yours, Ashok.

Like Chikungunya fever, “Whatsapp-gunya” is on the air now. Initially I was wondering how whatsapp can be better than fb.  Then my friend told me that I can make free calls and send free messages in Whatsapp. Like a true Indian, I was mesmerised and flattered by that lovely word “FREE”.   Whatsapp should have been named as ‘Gossipp’ in India.  Because here it is our birth right to talk about others. Facebook owner was charged for collecting others’ information recently. Silly people!  In India, our primary job is to collect information about other people only. In those days, men gathered at the tea shops and women at the street water tapes to gossip. Now whatsapp offers that platform. So wherever and whenever we are idle, we open whatsapp. If People don’t see whatsapp for one hour, they get shivering, aloofness and kidney stones.  Some people type in the mobile so fast like shatabadi express without even seeing the screen. But when I type, I always press four letters at the same time. Whatsapp has become the new better-half for many. Video chats enable our dear ones to scold us face to face. New Murphy’s law has to be ‘When you check whatsapp while sitting in the restroom, you will get whatapp video call!’ Everyday a new group springs up with different names. I am invariably added in all groups whether it is named “All Guys” or “All Gays”.  I have 190 contacts in my phone but figure in 191 groups. Some of my groups are : Dance Divas :  I am a man with two right legs. Why am I here?  Further I have danced only to my wife’s tunes till now. Kitchen Hulks : I have never cooked anything apart from stories. VOCH – Voice of Chennai Husbands: I thought someone had added me mistakenly, a deaf and mute husband. I told them to change the name. They changed to “Fearless Husbands”. I ran away from the group before my wife found it! If remembering the group names is stressful, posting according to the group is perilous.  Once I posted Nayanthara photo in Sai baba group!  I already have memory like ‘Gajini’. These  admins change group names often and cause havoc. Some admins misspell the group names too like ‘Friends dairy’, ‘Early Ricers’ and ‘aunty-corruption’. Every day I get 500 to 600 messages. 80% will be good morning. If I open all, my good morning will become bad morning. If I reply to all, it will become good night.  Most of the messages are forwards. If a goat drinks pepsi from bottle, it will drink in all my groups with various captions like ‘Only goats drink Pepsi’, ‘No water from Karnataka, no water for cattle also’. There is no dearth for rumours. Every month our National Anthem is selected as the best one by UNESCO and some patriots will always forward. Next UNESCO may also select best Indian curry and best Indian husband. Our Government brings out new laws frequently. They told that group admins will be arrested for any wrong post. I immediately relinquished my admin post from family group and made my wife as admin. Then Court added that you would be held responsible for your posts. I took my brother in law’s phone and forwarded two anti-indian posts. Waiting for results now! Modi ji must bring a new law to save people from antisocial elements who regularly… (i)          Send good morning, good midnight and happy valentine day (!) posts.  (ii)        Send their selfies and negatives in sideways, centre ways and threaten the general public. (iii)      Posting status while “In Mangudi,  Mannarkudi” or “Malaysia” thus causing heartburn to us who haven’t crossed Koyambedu till now. I was really happy when Trump was not giving visas to Indians!! (iv)       Posting status like “Feeling confused, ‘Feeling no feeling’ or Feeling dysentery. But my office whatsapp group called ‘Voice of Chennai Customs’ (VOCC) is the best one.  It serves as not only whatsapp but also Office notice board, FM, newspaper, TV and serves Memo also ! In any group, some members sleep in the group 24×7 like in koyambedu bus stand and some visit once a year like to their in-law’s house. Some even stay for a week like MLAs in ECR resort. But our group is fully functional during office hours! VOCC is full of connoisseurs.    We got our own music RJ, HOD Cartoon and Vikramaditya’s Vetala for riddles. Our birthdays, anniversaries are broadcasted loudly and parties are extracted. My friend has got two marriage anniversaries as well ! We have our own jokes, Current news  and live TV news sharers. When DA increase comes on TV, we will know it immediately.   Our members have specific traits in answering too.  If I post “Indian women sent to moon by ISRO”, Comments will be like… A :   “There also? Real lunar eclipse starts! “ B  :  “Girl power’  C  :  “Good news”  D  :  “Please send all women there!! E   :  “Chalo, Let’s celebrate  If I post “ISRO’s all women satellite crashed in moon”, Same people will comment like… A  :  “Moon escapes “ B  :  “Even Moon is afraid of us’‍ C  :  “Very sad news”  D  :  “How is Moon !! E  :   “Chalo, Let’s celebrate  These kind of multi personalities (!) make the group vibrant and  keep the spirit flying high and make us to sacrifice office work for the cause of greater good i.e Chatting.  As long as they remain, happy Whatsapp days.