A shopping-maniac wife Husbands die to be at home during weekend. But when a wife decides to grant his wish by shopping, a husband can only pray for mercy killing. Because man proposes, Wife disposes. Wife is goddess Kali with two hands, but with a lengthier tongue.
So, how to tackle this situation gracefully in spite of being beaten black and blue by your wife? Here are a few tips from an expert which will never work with any wife. Still can we stop planning our strategies?
1. Never fight the better OFF! She will shout your brain out or drown you with tears. Face it like a (helpless) man. When she tells her plan for a purchase, don’t think “God! There goes my weekend”. She will read your mind and you won’t have a mind to think again.
2. Facial expressions are important. Don’t hang your face like bull dog or P.V.Narasimha Rao. Try to smile like Mr.Bean.
3. Try to act feverish or having a terrific head ache. She may grunt and give up Or frown and fry you up.
4. Encourage her to go alone or with her friend. One lady is handful. Two are a battalion. Why should we suffer in their stampede?
5. If everything else fails, keep your vehicle ready as if going for a race. If it doesn’t start, then you will be crucified like Jesus. At least he was back after three days. You will be haunted for the rest of your poor life with your wife’s face.
6. Take your wallets, cards, cheque books, house securities and liquid assets. Make a will if possible. Look at your house for the last time. As no one knows when you will return, pack razors, gadgets and chess board. You will get plenty of free husbands there!
7. Don’t try to be too smart by suggesting small shops’ names. Your wife would have a clear map with her by now. So she will visit the shops she planned, as well as those you mentioned.
8. After ransacking 1000 racks and 100 salesman when she tells ‘There isn’t much to look at”, take a deep breath and ask “Shall we go to another shop?”. Don’t ask “Shall we go to another planet?”
9. Yoga and few aasanas will come handy to relax. You don’t have to be an expert like Ramdev to rotate your stomach. The price of the garments your wife chooses will do that for you.
10. Always take your children with you. Their nuisance will eat your wife’s brain and help in successful retrieval. If possible, take the neighbours’ children on loan. Children’s barbarism in public place like pulling others’ dresses and musings may make the parents beam with pride but the shop owners will throw you out.
11. Supply her intermittently with ice cream and juice. You can mix a few or many sleeping pills or diarrhea causing tablets, depending upon the size, as wives come in all sizes like drum, pencil and road rollers.
12. Try using the words “It’s good”, “Nice”, “Beautiful” generously to cut her marathon run. Try to look sincere and don’t utter these words keeping an eye on the girls passing by.
13. Take your sisters-in-law as well! In Percy Shelley’s words “If wife is here, can sister-in-law be far behind”.
Shopping is never complete till some people appreciate it. So bribe a few people for praising the choice. If some suggest any flaws, then the blame will come on you for choosing that, though your wife had selected the right one. Note down those people. We will extract vengeance some time.